i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
