All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
