Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Randomize
