dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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