she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
