The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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