I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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