So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
