I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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