When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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