Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
a search helicopter?!
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
