i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
