He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
