My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
