doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
