I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
