he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
