College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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