Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
