dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
