I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
