I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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