it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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