he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
you traded sex for a burrito?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Randomize
