Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
