I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
