I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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