btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
