never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
