I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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