I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
