God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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