I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
