every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
