he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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