Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
