hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
he was CRYING into my vagina
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
