capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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