I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
