It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
my liver is dry heaving
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
