so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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