We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
