I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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