He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
