I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
