The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
