I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
