I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
