i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
