i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
